I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you didnt know i had herpes?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can I color on your dick again?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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