she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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