I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize