I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize