Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
