she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
