dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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