I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
