Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize