i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
