The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
