I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
