The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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