As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
