the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
