Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
