Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
