no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
