Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
