She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
