Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my phone needs a breathalizer
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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