just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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