how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
