Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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