I cockslap morals
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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