god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
