first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
