Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I woke up under a house in Key West
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