Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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