You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
