I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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