i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
