Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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