Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
