I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
