I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
