I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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