are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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