3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
