that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
