i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
