I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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