I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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