Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
