she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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