just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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