Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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