I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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