this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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