so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
