home. puking in laundry basket.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
