I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
