...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
