She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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