I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize