I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
