I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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