chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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