Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
